Please Don't Say You Love Me
by Leasel P
Summary: Pre-series. Shows the moments May and Coulson realise they love each other and the first time they say it to each other. Each chapter is set a few years apart.
1. Moment Coulson realised he loved May

**The moment Coulson realized he loved May.**

So finishing and editing this story was the last thing I wanted to be doing tonight! Between uni, work and my internship it feels like all I have done this week is write! However May was scary as hell in the recent episode! And tbh kind of bitchy... So this story was to reassure myself that once upon a time she was a warm and happy person. Kids bring out the best in people so I figured it was fitting to have them in the story, showing Mays softer side.

I would also like to say that I've received a few messages and reviews (from guests so I can't reply) asking when I will be updating my other stories. So far all my Agent of Shield stories have been one shots and therefore are complete and will not be updated. This is my first multi-chapter story.

Enjoy :)

* * *

Coulson watched from his seat in the café as May crouched down to play with the young Egyptian children. He saw her smile as one of the youngest came running over to her, a tiny doll clutched to her chest. May laughed before kissing both the child's cheek and the dolls.

"You're partner is quite good with children." The comment from Coulsons' contact broke him out of his trance.

"Yes she is." It was all Coulson said before turning his full attention back to the matter at hand.

May laughed as a dozen or so children tugged at her, all wanting to show her something. She glanced over to where Coulson was sitting, deep in conversation with his contact. Sighing, she followed the children down the path to their school. He looked like he was going to be a while so she might as well make the most of her time here. It had been years since she had been around so many young children and she loved their innocent view on everything.

It was an hour later that Coulson went looking for his partner. He found her sitting cross-legged, on the dirt floor of an old school house. She had a young boy sitting in her lap and two young girls leaning over her shoulder as she clapped her hands to the song the children were singing. He stayed in the doorway, quietly watching as she laughed and smiled along with the other children in the room. It had been a while since he had seen her so carefree and happy and he was loving every second of it.

When the song finished, May lifted the young boy out of her lap. Standing she made her way over to him.

"All done?"

He nodded. "You're amazing with children." He said as they began to walk away from the school.

"Does that surprise you?" She asked with a smirk.

He shook his head. "Not at all."

"May! May! May!" They turned around to see the young girl with the doll running up the path behind them. May crouched down as she reached them.

"Here." She said holding the doll out. "To keep you safe."

"Thank you." May said, as she stroked the dolls hair. "But I think you should keep her, so she can always keep you safe. I have my doll back at my house."

While Coulson watched the interaction, he was overwhelmed with affection for the woman before him. Because as much as she was a warrior, she was also human and for every cold, stern expression she had there was an equally warm and loving one. She may hide that side of her, but he was one of the lucky few that got to see what Melinda May could be like when she wasn't being Agent May.

It was at this point that Coulson realized he had fallen in love with his partner.


	2. Moment May realised she loved Coulson

**The moment May realized she loved Coulson.**

Happy Monday everyone! Hope your Monday was as great as mine and if not, hope this update cheers you up!

Enjoy! :)

* * *

May groaned, throwing her pen across the room as she sat back in her chair rubbing her temples.

"What did the pen ever do to you?" Coulson asked, entering the room with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses.

"Paperwork is the worst part of being a S.H.I.E.L.D agent."

"I don't mind it." Coulson said as he poured them both a drink. May shot him a dirty look, before taking her place next to him on the couch.

"Cheers." He held up his glass as May studied him. Her eyes roamed over his face, coming to rest on the cut below his right ear.

"What are we drinking to?" She couldn't think of anything she wanted to celebrate. Their latest mission had failed, they were being reprimanded for negligence and they had barely survived with their lives. Maybe she would cheers to getting drunk.

"Being alive." Coulson said, still holding his glass up to her, only slightly concerned with the troubled look on Mays face. Sighing, she brought her glass up to his before drinking the whiskey.

"What's wrong?" Coulson poured them another drink, this time putting a little more in. He was slowly learning to read her, and he knew the best way to get her to open up was with a little alcohol.

"I don't want to lose my job."

"It's unlikely we will." He said with a shrug. He hadn't been giving it too much thought, however he could now see it was bothering May.

"It's all I've got." May avoided his eyes, staring at the bottle on the table before pouring them both a double. She hated the way he made her feel, like she could tell him anything, like she didn't have to hide from him. She barely thought before speaking now, she shared with him things she had never shared before and she found herself craving his comfort. It was a weakness, a dependency and she didn't know when it had first started but she found she wasn't in any hurry to correct it.

"Do you want to tell them what really happened?" Coulsons voice had changed.

"No!" May said a little too quickly. Shaking her head she looked at him. "Do you? Because I understand if -"

"No." He said without hesitation.

"Why?" She couldn't understand him. "This is not your mess; it's mine. I'm protecting my friend and you're suffering as a result."

"You are my partner. That is all that matters. I'll follow your lead on this one." Coulson reached over and tucked her hair behind her ear; silently thankful she didn't break his hand. "How many times have you had my back without question."

"Thank you." May said with her first smile of the night, slipping her hand into Coulson's and giving it a gentle squeeze. He slowly raising her hand to his lips, placing a lingering kiss on the back of her hand. His eyes locked onto hers as he cupped her face, taking the glass from her and placing it back on the table.

"Your job's not all you've got Melinda."

May quickly moved to close the distance between them, her hands clasping behind his neck, pulling him close as she slipped into his lap, kissing him with a mixture of desperation and need. She'd just realized she loved him, and that scared the hell out of her. She couldn't be in love with her partner, not with the work they did. She was going to have to ignore her feelings, pretend they didn't exist so she could continue working with him. But tonight she wasn't going to forget anything, tonight she was going to pretend they weren't S.H.I.E.L.D agents and tonight she was going to bed with the man she loved.


	3. Moment May says she loves Coulson

**First time May says she loves Coulson**

Did you see Mays face when the car blew up in The Bridge? She looked completely devastated at the thought that Coulson was in there. She has a remarkable amount of control over her emotions so when I saw this I couldn't help but wonder what might have happened if Coulson had been seriously hurt when she has less emotional control.

Enjoy :)

* * *

May hated hospitals. They reminded her of a time in her life she would rather forget and yet she was finding herself in them more and more frequently. Coulson had said she was developing a tendency to act before thinking, going on a gut feeling which was resulting in her getting hurt more times than not. But she wasn't in hospital tonight for herself; tonight she was sneaking in to see Coulson.

May silently walked down the corridors towards Coulsons room. The hospital was quite, the only noises coming from the machines and a few nurses, which she had to keep hiding from. She wasn't supposed to be here. Her mission was in Sacramento and it was not complete.

She stopped at the end of the corridor, carefully looking around the corner to see if SHIELD had posted anyone outside Coulsons door. She supposed it was a good sign they hadn't, it meant she could get in and that the circumstances around his injury weren't as bad as she had thought but she couldn't help feel a little angry they hadn't taken that extra precaution.

Slowly walking towards his room, she scanned the area around her. It was 3.30am but hospitals never sleep and she didn't want to think about the amount of trouble she would be in if SHIELD discovered she had left her mission to drive 8hours to see Coulson. She had heard he was in hospital when she had checked in that morning. She doubted she was supposed to hear it but when she had called her handler the office had been going crazy in the background.

_Ground Team Red 14AG under attack, request immediate support, bomb squad stand by, Red leader critical, repeat, request immediate support, we have multiple casualties. _

Her heart had stopped when she heard it; Phil was red leader.

She hadn't seen him in 6months, hadn't spoken to him in 2. Life of a SHIELD agent; she loved it but sometimes it took it's toll. She had been working alone in Sacramento so she had no one to explain herself to when she jumped in her car and drove straight up here.

Quickly and quietly she slipped into his room, feeling her heart drop as she laid eyes on Phil. He looked like he had been dragged to hell and back. His arm and leg were broken, his face covered in bruises and cuts and she could see a bandage wrapped around his torso, presumably hiding a nasty wound. She was shaking as she sat down on the edge of his bed. Gently running her fingers down his cheek, she let out a shaky breath, feeling tears welling behind her eyes. She clenched her jaw trying to fight off the emotions she was feeling. In all the years she had known him, he had never looked so hurt. They had had too many close calls but never had she actually thought she could loose him.

"What have you gotten yourself into Phil?" She whispered, desperately wanting to lie down next to him, to feel his heart beat and the warmth of his body to reassure herself that he really was okay.

She hadn't told him but it had been her idea to take separate assignments. A mission had come up in Mongolia for one agent with a special set of skills, ones that matched hers. She had hesitated when she heard about it, and that had forced her to take it. She was first and foremost a SHIELD agent and if she was hesitating over a mission because her mind was on someone else she was not doing her job properly. He hadn't said anything but she knew he was shocked. They had been partners for years, they worked perfectly together; she would even go as far as saying they worked better together than alone. He hadn't understood why they had been split up.

Looking over at him now, she felt a pang of regret. She was his partner; she was supposed to have his back, to look out for him.

"I'm sorry." Carefully she lifted his hand into her lap, gently tracing patterns on his palm. "I shouldn't have gone, I should have had your back." May sighed, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a tiny seashell.

"I had my reasons and they seemed so right at the time. I just don't know now." Turning the shell over in her hand she smiled.

"Sacramento isn't really my speed, and you'll never believe this but I don't think I like working alone." May chucked.

"Call me when you wake up Phil." Placing the shell on the table, May realized she didn't want to leave.

Leaning forward she placed a soft kiss on his cheek, careful not to hurt him.

"I love you." She whispered so quietly she wasn't even sure she had said it. Making her way to the door she froze and looked back over at Coulson. She really had missed him.


	4. Moment Coulson tells May he loves her

**The first time Coulson tells May he loves her.**

One of my favourite things living in China was being able to buy cheap roses, I loved the black ones with gold glitter on the petals. I'd never seen them before I moved there.

I don't really know where the idea for this came from but I enjoyed writing it. I don't actually know if this suits May and Coulson but the way she was opening up to him while still being guarded seemed right when I was writing it. Also, this is not the first time I've thought that Mays childhood might have been a troubled one so I think I will be exploring that a little further at another point in time.

The next (and last chapter) is already written and should be up in a few days. I should have also made clear that, in my head, there is at least a year or so (usually more) time period between each chapter.

Enjoy :)

* * *

Coulson glanced over at May. She was sitting quietly in the passenger seat looking out the window.

"How much further?"

May chuckled "You are like a child."

"No, I just don't like not knowing where I'm going."

"You're the one that wanted to drive, so either stop complaining or let me drive." She gave him a very pointed look as she cocked her eyebrow at him. Coulson raised his hands in defeat before putting his eyes back on the road. He was driving through the countryside in China, no idea where they were heading. May had wanted to show him how her family celebrated Chinese New Year; that was all she had said when she woke him up at dawn and told him he had 10minutes to meet her in the car.

They had left the city hours ago, only passing through a few villages since then. They were heading East, he presumed towards the water. He desperately wanted to ask more but in all the years they had known each other she had never mentioned her family or her childhood and he wasn't going to risk her changing her mind.

They had stopped in at a little village for some dinner before getting straight back on the road. This time May insisted on driving, telling Coulson he should get some rest as they still had a few solid hours until they arrived. He resisted at first but as soon as he sank into the passenger seat he quickly felt his body start to give way.

He was awoken hours later when May finally stopped driving.

"We're here."

Rubbing his face, Coulson glanced out the window and smiled. They were at the ocean, and they were the only people there. He followed May outside the car and down to the water, noticing the duffel bag over her shoulder. She stopped just short of the water and sat down, motioning for Coulson to join her.

They sat there in silence, just watching the waves come and go, listening to the sounds of the water and the wind howling around them.

Moving closer to May, Coulson wrapped his arm around her, pulling her into him. He could feel she was just as cold as he was but he didn't say anything. He would sit her with her for as long as she wanted.

"I've missed the water."

Coulson nodded his agreement.

"It calms me. I grew up near the water."

"Here?"

"No, further south."

They looked down the beach at the sound of fireworks, watching as they went off in the sky.

"When I was a child we would let fireworks off for Chinese New Year. It was my favourite time of year."

"Is that what we are doing here? Because I don't remember seeing a firework stand." May chuckled and shook her head, resting it on Coulsons shoulder.

"I haven't set fireworks off since I was 10. My mother wouldn't allow it after the death of her father."

"They were close?"

May shook her head. "My mother didn't get close to anyone."

Coulson frowned, looking down at her but she had already moved on.

"I'd only met him twice before he died but my mother said he was a good man." May reached over and unzipped the bag, pulling out a bunch of roses, some black paint, two paintbrushes and a small tube of glitter.

"My mother had some strange tendencies. Her father died suddenly; there was no time for her to fly back to America. I remember her walking into the garden after she got the call and cutting up all our roses."

May cut the stems off all the roses.

"She called us into the garden and got us to paint them all black."

May unscrewed the paint bottle and handed Coulson a brush. They sat there in silence, painting the roses black. May was gratefully Coulson wasn't asking questions, allowing her to tell the story at her own pace. Once they had finished painting them, she took the cap off the glitter, carefully sprinkling it over the roses.

"And then she got us to cover them in glitter, before we took them down the to the beach."

May collected the roses, leaving a few for Coulson, before making her way down to the water. Coulson followed her as she walked into the water, ignoring the icy feeling he got as the water flowed around his legs.

"We let them go into the ocean." She paused before whispering, "We let him go into the ocean." They slowly rested each rose down on the water, watching as they were carried out to sea.

"We did it every year on the eve of his death. Over time I think it became more about just spending those few hours together, just the three of us."

"Three?"

"My father never participated."

Coulson moved closer to her, slipping his hand into hers.

"Your mother sounds-"

"She had her demons, she needed help but my father would never acknowledge that. May's don't need help, he would say. We help ourselves."

"You never talk about them." Coulson said as he turned her around to face him, struggling to read her expression in the dark.

"I left that life behind when I moved to America" May said with a sad smile. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"Being here with me."

"Well you didn't really give me a choice." The look she gave him wiped the smirk off his face.

"There is nowhere else I'd rather be Melinda."

May smiled as she leaned up, pressing her lips against his. It was a light kiss, her lips just barely touching his, but as Coulson wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her close as he deepened the kiss she realised how thankful he was that she had shared this piece of her past with him.

Pulling back, Coulson traced her lips with his thumb, smiling as she kissed his fingertip.

"I love you Melinda May."

Leaning back in, he kissed her again. He didn't want to give her time to respond because he knew she wouldn't. He might never get a response from her and he was okay with that. He would always be okay with that.


	5. Moment May tells Coulson she loves him

**The first time May tells Coulson she loves him**

Lucky last chapter! I've really enjoyed writing this story and I'm sad it's complete but I hope you have all enjoyed reading it!

I thought this was very appropriate for the first time May tells Coulson she loves him. To me, it makes sense that the only place she would feel comfortable telling him is in her own sanctuary, a place she feels like she has full control. After chapter three when May whispered it, I liked that in this chapter she actually says it with confidence.

Thank you all for reading and reviewing and I hope you enjoy the last chapter :)

* * *

May slowly awoke as the sun started to come through her curtains. She went to stretch when she felt the weight around her bare waist. Turning over carefully, she couldn't help but smile at Coulson peacefully sleeping.

Lightly running her fingertips down his chest, she traced all the scars she found, silently remember being there when he received a few of them. She moved down his stomach, lingering on a particularly nasty scar just above his right hip, remembering the night one of their informants had stabbed him.

She smiled at the intimacy of her exploration. Over the years she had always found comfort in tracing his scars, it reminded her of all they had been through, all they had survived and that there was someone just as damaged as she was. However this was the first time she was studying him in her own bed, in her own house, far away from the protection of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Placing her hand on his heart May moved closer, carefully curling into his side and resting her head on his chest as his arm instinctively wrapping around her and pulled her close. The anxiety she had felt the previous night when she invited him over after their latest mission debriefing was long gone.

Closing her eyes, she listened to the sounds of the rest of the world beginning to wake up; no desire to get up and join them just yet.

She felt him begin to wake some time later. He tensed before realizing where he was. Twisting towards the bedside table to check the time, he ran his hand up and down her arm resting on his chest, her eyes still closed.

"How long have you been awake?" he said groggily, still not completely awake.

"A while." She felt him nod, his hand still running patterns on her arm. May thought he had fallen back asleep when he spoke again.

"I like your place, it suits you."

"I don't usually have people here."

"Well then I feel special." May couldn't see the smile on his face but she knew it was there. "S.H.I.E.L.D gave us the weekend off."

"Mmm."

Coulson sighed as May remained on his chest, her eyes still closed, either oblivious to what he was saying or choosing to ignore it.

"We could go into town."

May finally moved. Raising her head she rested her chin on his chest, looking into his eyes.

"That's if you're not busy." He added.

"I'm not." She said with a shiver, her change in position making her cold. She placed a light kiss on his chest when she felt him draw the blankets up over her bareback.

"What do you want to do there?"

Coulson shrugged. "We could go to those strange markets you love so much" he said, causing May to raise her eyebrow at him.

"You hate that place."

"It's growing on me."

May rolled her eyes, "You're a terrible liar."

"So is that a no?"

"Hey if you want to come with me to the markets I'm not going to complain." May said laughing.

With a shrug, Coulson tried to brush it off saying, "They remind me of Thailand and we both know how much I love Thailand." Shaking her head with a smile, she looked into his eyes, affection clearly showing there. Tilting her head to the side she raised her hand to his face, running her thumb down his jaw before resting it on his lips.

"I like having you here." She said, her face now inches away from his. He broke out into a massive grin. She slowly moved forward, her lips just barely touching his as she ran her fingers through his hair, feeling the mood change between them.

"I love you." She said, a smile breaking out over her face. She didn't know what possessed her to say it. Perhaps it was the feeling of domesticity she was getting from the morning, or the happiness she was experiencing lying here in her bed with him, or perhaps it was because she had wanted to tell him for a while now. Whatever the reason she couldn't help but laugh at the surprised look on his face; it was obviously not what he had expected her to say.

Rolling them over, he pinned her down with the weight of his body, his hand intertwined with her own above her head while the other rested in her hair.

"I think we should give the markets a miss today." He said as she felt his lips attach to her neck.

She couldn't think of a better way to spend a Saturday morning.


End file.
